Glossary of Metaphysical Misunderstandings (Because apparently someone had to say it… and of course, it’s us.)

By Laughing Crow, with unsolicited commentary from Pieter and ancient eye-rolls from Eagle Eye

Welcome to the wildly misunderstood world of spirituality—where “ascension” is mistaken for a spa treatment, “downloads” are confused with divine Pinterest boards, and everyone thinks their ex texting them is some kind of divine reconnection.

Spoiler: It’s just unresolved codependency dressed up as fate.

Let’s clear the smoke (and mirrors) and break it down properly, with just the right amount of sass, shadow, and soul.

Ascension

What it actually is: An internal vibrational upgrade that feels like emotional food poisoning. Less floating into a golden beam of light, more existential diarrhea at 3 a.m.

What it’s not: Something you earn by hoarding quartz towers and collecting Facebook likes on your third-eye selfies.

Pieter: If you’re glowing, it’s probably the stomach bug. Not enlightenment.

Awakening

Popular fantasy: Bliss, joy, angels singing.

Reality: A full-blown spiritual demolition job. Ego? Shattered. Beliefs? Dismantled. Emotional regulation? Currently on fire.

Eagle Eye: “You don’t become wise by reading memes. You become wise when your illusions die and you live anyway.”

Boundaries

Most often confused with: “You upset me, so I blocked you.”

Actually means: “I know who I am, what I will and won’t tolerate, and I can say no without needing to exile people to the seventh circle of hell.”

Pieter: If you need a moat and crocodiles, you’re not setting boundaries—you’re building a fortress around your unprocessed crap.

Downloads

What they aren’t: Divine excuses to avoid therapy.

What they are: Moments of intuitive clarity that only matter if you actually do something with them.

Eagle Eye: “Wisdom unused becomes weight.”

Ego Death

No, Karen, crying during cacao ceremony doesn’t count.

It’s a temporary collapse of your identity scaffolding, often followed by the ego’s return in tighter spandex, rebranded as “Healer of Light.”

Pieter: I’ve died more times than your ego and I still have fewer outfit changes.

Energy Vampire

Sometimes real.

But often: Just someone who makes you uncomfortable because they reflect something you don’t wanna see.

Pieter: If everyone’s draining you, check your own plug first.

Holding Space

Not just awkward silence while someone offloads.

It’s the art of being present without fixing, rescuing, or making it about you. Think spiritual midwife, not emotional janitor.

Eagle Eye: “Presence is the medicine. Words are extra.”

Integration

Not a trendy hashtag.

It’s the unsexy process of letting what you’ve learned become who you are. Nervous system first. Instagram captions later.

Pieter: If you skip this part, you’ll be spiritually constipated. You’re welcome for that image.

Intuition

Often mistaken for: Anxiety in a feathered costume.

True intuition is quiet. Calm. Clear. If it’s panicked, pushy, or shaped like your last trauma—try again.

Eagle Eye: “Real guidance doesn’t shout. It waits for you to be still.”

Karma

Not divine punishment.

It’s your own patterns on repeat until you decide to learn, shift, and own your energy.

Pieter: Karma isn’t out to get you. It is you... on a loop.

Lightworker

Not a fashion aesthetic or an Instagram handle.

A lightworker is someone who’s walked through their own shadows and now knows how to carry a lantern without blinding people with it.

Eagle Eye: “Those who carry light don’t need to announce it. They illuminate by living it.”

Mercury Retrograde

It’s not why your ex texted. (That was their loneliness.)

It can bring up old miscommunications and tech glitches—but if you blame it every time your emotions explode, you need astrology and accountability.

Pieter: Mercury didn’t cancel your meeting. You just forgot to check your calendar.

Shadow Work

Not just dark mood lighting and moody playlists.

It’s the gutsy process of facing what you deny, project, repress, or try to manifest away.

Most people read about it. Few actually do it.

Eagle Eye: “You can’t dance with the divine while pretending your pain isn’t part of the rhythm.”

Sovereignty

Not “I’m a lone wolf and better than you.”

It’s knowing your soul is yours and taking radical responsibility for your path. No scapegoats. No guru blame. No cosmic cop-outs.

Pieter: You can’t claim sovereignty and still whine about your guides ghosting you.

Twin Flame

Possibly real.

Frequently just spiritual jargon to justify an unhealthy trauma loop.

If someone ghosted you six times and calls it sacred—run. Not because they’re your twin... because they’re toxic.

Eagle Eye: “Sacred doesn’t mean painful. Divine love doesn’t need drama to prove itself.”

Vibration / Frequency

Not a playlist or your sage budget.

It’s your actual embodied state. It shows up in how you treat people, how you speak to yourself, and how you act when no one’s watching.

Pieter: Palo santo won’t raise your frequency if your heart’s still throwing shade.

Woke / Enlightened

Not a badge.

If you’re announcing it, you’re probably still neck-deep in ego cosplay.

Eagle Eye: “Real enlightenment makes you quieter. Humble. Kind. Not loud, smug, or meme-obsessed.”

“Just Trust the Universe”

Translation: “I’m not taking action because that sounds hard.”

Real trust moves. It commits. It leaps. If you’re just sitting there hoping for signs, you’re not trusting—you’re procrastinating with better branding.

Pieter: The Universe is not Uber Eats. Get up and co-create something already.

And if you made it this far without rage-posting in your favorite spiritual Facebook group, congratulations. You’re probably ready to start integrating, embodying, and laughing your way through the madness like the rest of us.

Come see what else we’ve got cooking over at www.living5d3d.com—books, consultations, healing, and the occasional divine meme that might just roast your shadow back to life.

Spiritual truth, unfiltered. Just how you like it.